Advice Column

Dear Gunhilda

By Kathy Jackson

Dear Gunhilda,

If an attacker tries to take my gun away and use it against me, what should I do?

Worried in Willows

Dear Worried,

Pull the felon repulsion lever. You should find it just underneath your trigger finger.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

What is the best firearm for hunting zombies?

Zombiefied in Zellwood

Dear Zombiefied,

Shooting 'em ain't the problem. It's cleaning 'em you've gotta worry about.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

Why do you carry a gun?

Critical in Carson City

Dear Critical,

Because I can't carry a policeman.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

I think people who carry guns are compensating for something!

Disgusted in Delaware

Dear Disgusted,

You are correct. Personally, I am compensating for my inability to effectively defend myself from an enraged, 300-pound rapist with my bare hands.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

Yesterday, as I was headed out the door to pick up some personal supplies, my husband asked me to grab some .22LR ammunition for our weekend trip to the range. Happy to oblige, I stopped off at the Giant Mart and picked up the items I needed, and then went back to the sporting goods counter to buy the ammunition.

When I asked the sales lady to give me a couple boxes of .22 ammunition, she took one look at the bottle of Midol and box of tampons already in my cart and then turned ghost white. "Honey," she said, "are you okay?"

I didn't know what to say!

Flustered in Farmington

Dear Flustered,

I hope you didn't reply, "The ammunition is for my husband."

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

My husband is wandering around the house talking about Red Hot nipples and big lead balls. Should I be concerned?

Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Dear Puzzled,

Only if he's not also talking about Wonder Wads and nipple picks.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

At my husband's cousin's wedding last week, my big-mouthed spouse told everyone that I carry a gun. The women all bolted for the other room to gossip about me, and before I knew it I was surrounded by a crowd of garrulous old men who wanted to tell me intimate details about their guns, their medical problems, and their politics. What should I do?

Beleaguered in Birmingham

Dear Beleaguered,

Depending how intimate the details were, you might consider blackmail.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

Last week I was practicing my one-handed shooting skills. The guy in the lane next to mine looked over, saw what I was doing, and said, "You'll hit the target better if you hold the gun with both hands, like this ..."

What should I have told him?

Baffled in Baton Rouge

Dear Baffled,

That depends upon how cute he was.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

A friend of mine went to an IPSC match and needed to use the facilities. While she was inside the porta-potty, her firearm fell out of her holster and it landed inside the tank!

How can I prevent this from happening to me?

Worried in Wilmington

Dear Worried,

Try this: Close the lid. Lower your pants. Open the lid. Sit down. Close the lid again before pulling your pants back up. Problem solved.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

I usually carry a .40 S&W, but lately I've been thinking about moving up to a .45 ACP. Why can't I get the guys in the gun stores to show me anything but .25's and .32's?

Undersized in Umatilla

Dear Undersized,

Try wearing a fake mustache when you shop.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

When I went to the gun shop to get some help on the takedown and cleaning of my Glock, the owner started talking about taking the slidy thingy off the plastic thingy by pushing the button thingy.

Question: Should I trade in the Glock?

Flustered in Frankfort

Dear Flustered,

No, it's not time to trade in your Glock thingy yet. But it may be time to trade in your gun shop thingy. Look for one that's less condescending.

Either that, or try wearing a fake mustache when you shop.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

When is the best time to tell my friends I am carrying a gun?

Polite in Parkerville

Dear Polite,

At the same point you feel compelled to inform them what color of underwear you have on.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

My husband wants me to buy him a ladies' tube top. Should I be worried?

Neurotic in Nantucket

Dear Neurotic,

Only if he doesn't own a belly band to wear over it.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

My son left for college this morning and in cleaning out his room I found an old audio tape which featured the songs of a really annoying purple dinosaur. When he was a toddler, he forced us to listen to that tape in the car all the way from Dallas, Texas to our new home in Minot, North Dakota.

Should I take the tape to the range with me? If so, which gun should I use? I have a 9mm handgun, a .22LR rifle, and a 20-gauge shotgun.

Vindictive in Vacaville

Dear Vindictive,

No flamethrower?

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

My wife thinks the hole in the end of her Beretta Tomcat is too small.

How do I make it bigger?

Nervous in Newaygo

Dear Nervous,

Your wife is obviously a very perceptive woman. You're just going to have to purchase her a new gun or six.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

What do you call the dance a lady does when hot brass finds her cleavage?

Blistered in Biloxie

Dear Blistered,

Depending on the style, it's either a BRAzilian line dance, or the Cha-Cha.

If you'd rather sit that dance out next time, consider wearing a high collar at the range.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

I met a lady and her husband who have five boys. What in the world were they thinking??!?

Stumped in Spokane

Dear Stumped,

Rifle Team.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

My husband's 40th birthday is coming up. What gun should I get for him?

Shopping in Sheboygan

Dear Shopping,

I'm not sure what yours is worth, but a friend of mine swapped hers for two shotguns and a rifle.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

We are doomed!

My postal person brought another ominous package today from the BATFE. It says prominently on the cover New 4473. Open the package and what should appear but white 4473 forms instead of yellow ones!

Our beloved Form 4473 is now white and will quickly be confused with every other sheet of paper in the place. After umpteen years I finally got the hang of "Old Yeller" and now it's changed.

What should I do?

Shop Owner in Shelbyville

Dear Shop,

If you're doomed because the 4473 is now white, the only thing you can do is dye.

Gunhilda

Dear Gunhilda,

My husband is always telling his friends to keep their powder dry. Why are they always walking around with powder? Are they secretly gay?

Wondering in White Cloud

Dear Wondering,

That depends. Does your husband often go on overnight hunting trips with his male buddies? Does your husband wear makeup (especially green and black)? Do his friends wear the same kind of makeup? Do they often spritz themselves with animal pheromones?

If you answer yes to all of these questions, you have nothing to worry about.

Gunhilda

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Next Steps

Quotes
Poetry: Advice to a New Gun Owner
Poetry: The Female of the Species by Rudyard Kipling

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Thanks are due to Tamara, from whom I shamelessly stole Red Hot nipples, to THR member "toivo" for the tampons, to THR members "sm" and "grampster" for several other ideas on this page, to THR member "Sam" for the question about 4473 forms.

Disclaimer: The author of this site assumes that you are an adult human being capable of making your own choices and taking responsibility for same. If you are not an adult, or are not capable of taking responsibility for your own choices, STOP. Do not read anything else on this site. The author has made a reasonable, good-faith effort to assure that the articles herein are accurate and contain good advice, but hereby advises the reader that the author is a normal human being who makes the normal number of human mistakes. Deal with it. If it sounds stupid to you, don't do it. The author accepts absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for anything you might say or do as a result of reading any material on this site. Live your own life.