By Kathy Jackson
If you dump an entire container of bubblebath into the upstairs sink, a little at a time, while running the water full blast, bubbles will come out of every other drain in the house.
Sword-fighting with vacuum cleaner parts almost always results in broken windows.
So does playing baseball.
 If you tell your kids to play baseball only on the ‘safe’ side of the house, they’ll manage to break a window anyway. |
Always, always, always empty their pockets before you put their clothes into the wash.
Better yet, have them do it.
Frogs do not like washing machines.
Or dryers.
When a 3 year old wants to know how long a roll of toilet paper is, he will lean as far out of the upstairs window as he can to unroll it.
The neighbors will call if they see a small child apparently about to fall out of an upstairs window.
Twice.
Did I mention childproof locks aren’t?
 There is no such thing as a child old enough to know better. |
Dialing 9-1-1 and then hanging up almost always results in a visit from Officer Friendly.
Dialing 9-1-1, yelling, “Help! Help! Everyone hates me!” and then hanging up results in a visit from Officer Unfriendly.
Scissors should never be allowed in the same house as 4 year olds.
If you use the scissors to cut the cord to the radio while the radio is plugged in, it makes a really cool, loud popping noise.
And it melts a hole right through the metal part of the scissors, too.
- Childproof locks … aren’t.
- Childproof gates … aren’t.
- Childproof … isn’t.
If your big brother has a twenty-gallon aquarium in his upstairs bedroom, you can take the end of the tubing out of the tank and watch the water pump out onto the floor.
Nineteen and three-quarters gallons is a lot of water.
 Fish can look worried.(Who knew…?) |
Aquarium water that has soaked through the upstairs floor onto the ceiling below looks remarkably like someone peed on the ceiling.
If you report to your mom that someone peed on the downstairs ceiling, she probably won’t panic immediately. This is because she doesn’t believe you.
A carpet that has had nineteen and three-quarters gallons of aquarium water spilled on it never smells quite the same afterward.
Dishwasher soap isn’t good for you and doesn’t taste good, but toddlers like it anyway.
The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.
Tums aren’t poisonous, but it’s not a good idea to eat the whole bottle at once.
The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.
Philodendron leaves aren’t really good for you and don’t taste good, but toddlers will eat them anyway.
The people at the Poison Control Center are really nice.
Nobody in his right mind would eat a handful of ladybugs.
A two-year-old boy cannot be said to be in his right mind.
 If you call the Poison Control Center often enough, the nice lady will remember you. |
You can get your four-year-old brother to try to take his bike over the bicycle ramp you just built if you talk fast enough. He really wants to, anyway.
A bright red goose egg on your little brother’s elbow looks remarkably like a broken arm.
If you stand in the middle of the garden and throw dirt clods up in the air as hard as you can so that when they come down you can break them with your head, eventually you will get one with a rock in it.
Head wounds bleed.
A lot.
It is a miracle that any male child lives to adulthood.
In view of all the above, I have very strong opinions about kids and gun safety. If you do, too, I encourage you to read the following articles.
