…y, remind yourself that you’re on the sunny side of the law and have nothing to fear. Don’t put off those vibes if you can help it. Basic tips: Never, ever, ever, ever take the stall next to a small child. Little kids are too likely to look under the stall and then comment (loudly) about what they see. Don’t hang the gun on a hook or set it on a TP rack. You’re too likely to walk off without it (and don’t say it… Continue reading →

…wed how to “work” a real live house after explaining in great detail that YOU WILL IN ALL PROBABILITY LOSE and that it should only be attempted in the direst of circumstances, ie, you can’t find one of your kids. I mean, I can tell you all day that if you can’t find your kid you should still hole up and wait for the cops, but that’s not going to happen, is it? Here’s the e-mail: Dear Michael, Just caught the… Continue reading →

…while I am standing there, right in front of her. Invisible. As a child, I would have understood being chosen last for the team. I wouldn’t have liked it, but I would have understood it. But … have you ever watched the other kids all pick teammates, stood there with everyone else waiting to be chosen, and then while you’re still standing there, they start to play the game, and nobody ever realized you wanted to play, too? Happened to me all the… Continue reading →

…d you carry a gun to _______?” they ask. The blank can be filled by any number of things. Would you carry a gun when you go camping? Would you carry to your mom’s house? to work? to church? to the movies? to your kids’ Little League games? The question, earnest as it is, always bemuses me somewhat. You see, I don’t usually carry a gun to anywhere in particular, but I do go places and do things. And I simply carry,… Continue reading →